You know, she is the kind of girls who cannot forego her past. She always feel guilty about what she could not achieve in the past. She feels troubled by what happened in the past. It is like a light kind of trauma. Her characteristics now is derived from what she experienced back then. She is lacked of confidence, always feels insecure. In most of the aspects in life, and especially in social relationship. She doubts her own talent too. She feels miserable about what she could not do in the past. But she can prove to herself that she has some talent. By scientific methods. The crucial point is she must prove to herself. Even though you tell her she is very talented, she does not believe. She only believes in herself. Once herself brings her proofs.
But she could not find proofs for social relationship. She cannot perform experiment, cannot test, cannot get reliable results and analyze. That's why she is always scared of relationship. Scared of human beings. She was hurt considerably deeply (according to her) in the past because she was boycotted. No one liked her. Even when some one liked her, they stopped liking her when they met her friends. Her friends are always popular and she is always lonely. She even did the test by introducing her friends to some one seemingly likes her and waited for results. Most of the time she failed, which is her friends were liked more. So she is convinced that she is unlikable. She even developed the protective wall by stopping her friends meeting her new friends. So that the new friends had no one to compare with and finally she is still liked by the new friends.
So even though now she has a few good friends, she is still scared being boycotted by them. She still worries one day when those good friends meet her friends, they will leave her. You go and tell her you are very cute, very likable and see how she reacts. She will not believe you. To be fair, if her friends are likable, it does not mean that she is less likable. But she does not accept that due to the past incidents. You must tell her that you are likable and your friends are not good. You are better than your friends. Only with that, her test will succeed and she can convince herself that she is a normal girl, an attractive girl. But you will never do that because you are a normal and fair person.
26.6.14
21.6.14
Day 3
A lot of things have happened recently and I have had a lot of thoughts. My mood was constantly challenged and it swung up and down, left and right repeatedly. The good thing was my nerve has not snapped yet and I was still here, trying to hang on.
I felt rather despaired the past few days. I felt helpless, useless. Simply stupid. Because I was crossing my comfort zone to a totally new land. The feeling of being defeated shook me tremendously and revitalized my consciousness. I have been comfortable in my own worlds for so long that I almost forgot the feeling of helplessness. After eight years, I have changed a lot but my first reaction to the despair, helpless, defeat was never changed. I always thought that I would die at that point, I would never survive simply because I did not know how to continue. I used to cry but I did not now. I forgot how I struggled the first few years I came to Singapore, how I struggled and how many times I cried during the first two years of PhD. I forgot. I was simply too comfortable after passing the stage to remember the pain. And now I faced the challenge again. I told myself try to hang on, I would pass. My method has worked for 8 years so it should continue working. The pain was horrible but I must endure it to move forward.
I also realized that feeling despair and helpless was not a negative thing. My mind detected a weakness and was trying to tell me that I need to improve myself on that aspect. I was not a courageous person but a persistent person. I just need to hang on a little longer and I would overcome this weakness. The negative thing was not feeling defeated at all and just treating it as a matter of fact. Numbness was more dangerous than pain.
I felt rather despaired the past few days. I felt helpless, useless. Simply stupid. Because I was crossing my comfort zone to a totally new land. The feeling of being defeated shook me tremendously and revitalized my consciousness. I have been comfortable in my own worlds for so long that I almost forgot the feeling of helplessness. After eight years, I have changed a lot but my first reaction to the despair, helpless, defeat was never changed. I always thought that I would die at that point, I would never survive simply because I did not know how to continue. I used to cry but I did not now. I forgot how I struggled the first few years I came to Singapore, how I struggled and how many times I cried during the first two years of PhD. I forgot. I was simply too comfortable after passing the stage to remember the pain. And now I faced the challenge again. I told myself try to hang on, I would pass. My method has worked for 8 years so it should continue working. The pain was horrible but I must endure it to move forward.
I also realized that feeling despair and helpless was not a negative thing. My mind detected a weakness and was trying to tell me that I need to improve myself on that aspect. I was not a courageous person but a persistent person. I just need to hang on a little longer and I would overcome this weakness. The negative thing was not feeling defeated at all and just treating it as a matter of fact. Numbness was more dangerous than pain.
8.6.14
Day 2
Today I went to the wedding of a PhD friend. I met all of my PhD friends there and was updated a lot of news. Some got married, some had job offer and was preparing to leave Singapore, some were going to be fathers and mothers.
Time flied. The four years just swooshed by like a blink. The four years that we spent our days and nights in the same office. And it was time for us to scatter. My heart sank thinking about the separation.
The four years of PhD were the best four years of my life until now. I spent time doing things I like and hanging with people like me. I was amazed that the whole lot of people in that room were the same kind like me. The same kind. I took no time trying to fit in with them. I was already there. It really felt like home.
Every party had an end and I could do nothing to stop the nature. We spent four years worrying days and nights about graduation. Now we graduated and I missed that hardship period. Some of my closer friends were still in Singapore. But things were different now. I did not know when would be the last time I could meet them. We spent the four years like we had all the time in life. In "The perks of being a wallflower", there was a sentence going something like the feeling was infinite. When we suffered, we talked, we laughed together, I indeed felt infinite. The moment was infinite. There would be nothing like that again.
Some would leave Singapore soon. I indeed would miss them much. I had witnessed two of my seniors leaving. I missed them. I felt lost because they were not there in the office. They were no longer present in front of my eyes. Things were not the same any more.
The relationship was still there. I believed I would have no problem catching up with them when we had gathering. One more thing I was pretty sure was that they would not change. Tremendously. They would still be the same people I spent infinitely time with and would still be the same kind as I was. Our kind did not change. I had witnessed too much change in people I cared and I felt vulnerable to changes. This was my weak point. Professor said you would never know your weak point until you were tested.
My feeling should be the nostalgic kind. At the end of a phase in life, you looked back and felt nostalgic. The party ended and I stayed back to feel the silence. To experience the infinite one more time. PhD life, I was preparing to bid your farewell.
Time flied. The four years just swooshed by like a blink. The four years that we spent our days and nights in the same office. And it was time for us to scatter. My heart sank thinking about the separation.
The four years of PhD were the best four years of my life until now. I spent time doing things I like and hanging with people like me. I was amazed that the whole lot of people in that room were the same kind like me. The same kind. I took no time trying to fit in with them. I was already there. It really felt like home.
Every party had an end and I could do nothing to stop the nature. We spent four years worrying days and nights about graduation. Now we graduated and I missed that hardship period. Some of my closer friends were still in Singapore. But things were different now. I did not know when would be the last time I could meet them. We spent the four years like we had all the time in life. In "The perks of being a wallflower", there was a sentence going something like the feeling was infinite. When we suffered, we talked, we laughed together, I indeed felt infinite. The moment was infinite. There would be nothing like that again.
Some would leave Singapore soon. I indeed would miss them much. I had witnessed two of my seniors leaving. I missed them. I felt lost because they were not there in the office. They were no longer present in front of my eyes. Things were not the same any more.
The relationship was still there. I believed I would have no problem catching up with them when we had gathering. One more thing I was pretty sure was that they would not change. Tremendously. They would still be the same people I spent infinitely time with and would still be the same kind as I was. Our kind did not change. I had witnessed too much change in people I cared and I felt vulnerable to changes. This was my weak point. Professor said you would never know your weak point until you were tested.
My feeling should be the nostalgic kind. At the end of a phase in life, you looked back and felt nostalgic. The party ended and I stayed back to feel the silence. To experience the infinite one more time. PhD life, I was preparing to bid your farewell.
3.6.14
Day 1
11:30pm, I was digging in my book boxes to find your book. I hadn't recovered from our dinner last night. I was such a pessimistic person that I considered every meeting was the last meeting I could have. Having your book made me more secured. That you were still there for me. Physical possession always gave me secured feelings.
I admired you tremendously.
You said don't try to become a person like me because you admire me, try to become a person like yourself, who you truly are. You also said don't just admire a person, try to learn from them to improve yourself so you can match that person.
So here I was trying to improve some aspects of myself. I hadn't been able to say that I liked writing yet. I was here trying to write not because you loved writing, but because it seemed I could do it. You said don't under-utilize your ability. So I gave myself a try. Anyway I had too many thoughts everyday and it would be a waste not putting them down.
I was a shy and timid girl yet very arrogant. The irony was arrogance gave me confidence. So, if you were just like me when you were young, I could be like you in the next 20 years. I really wished there would be one day, you would pat my head and said well-done, I would give you A+ for your achievement.
I admired you tremendously.
You said don't try to become a person like me because you admire me, try to become a person like yourself, who you truly are. You also said don't just admire a person, try to learn from them to improve yourself so you can match that person.
So here I was trying to improve some aspects of myself. I hadn't been able to say that I liked writing yet. I was here trying to write not because you loved writing, but because it seemed I could do it. You said don't under-utilize your ability. So I gave myself a try. Anyway I had too many thoughts everyday and it would be a waste not putting them down.
I was a shy and timid girl yet very arrogant. The irony was arrogance gave me confidence. So, if you were just like me when you were young, I could be like you in the next 20 years. I really wished there would be one day, you would pat my head and said well-done, I would give you A+ for your achievement.
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