Day 3

A lot of things have happened recently and I have had a lot of thoughts. My mood was constantly challenged and it swung up and down, left and right repeatedly. The good thing was my nerve has not snapped yet and I was still here, trying to hang on.

I felt rather despaired the past few days. I felt helpless, useless. Simply stupid. Because I was crossing my comfort zone to a totally new land. The feeling of being defeated shook me tremendously and revitalized my consciousness. I have been comfortable in my own worlds for so long that I almost forgot the feeling of helplessness. After eight years, I have changed a lot but my first reaction to the despair, helpless, defeat was never changed. I always thought that I would die at that point, I would never survive simply because I did not know how to continue. I used to cry but I did not now. I forgot how I struggled the first few years I came to Singapore, how I struggled and how many times I cried during the first two years of PhD. I forgot. I was simply too comfortable after passing the stage to remember the pain. And now I faced the challenge again. I told myself try to hang on, I would pass. My method has worked for 8 years so it should continue working. The pain was horrible but I must endure it to move forward.

I also realized that feeling despair and helpless was not a negative thing. My mind detected a weakness and was trying to tell me that I need to improve myself on that aspect. I was not a courageous person but a persistent person. I just need to hang on a little longer and I would overcome this weakness. The negative thing was not feeling defeated at all and just treating it as a matter of fact. Numbness was more dangerous than pain.